Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
