We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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