Someone shit on the floor
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
