we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
