At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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