I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
