We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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