i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
