just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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