Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
