Where is the hickey?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
