Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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