i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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