So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
