I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
