Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
