i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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