How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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