Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
