just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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