She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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