I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
