I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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