In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
