You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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