Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
