it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
