if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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