Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
