I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
