You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
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After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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