when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
