Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
