One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
