I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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