Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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