I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
