"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All I want is dick and wine.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
