I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
