my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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