Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
