his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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