You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
