i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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