You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
