if you like me you must not know who I am
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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