Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
