The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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