A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
