also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
