If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
