your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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