my being single is dangerous.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
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OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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