U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
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I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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