Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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