Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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