nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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