so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
