I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops