I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
